Monday, September 14, 2015

When I loved my husband more than my son...

Marky and I have been together for 11 years now - WHOA! We started dating when we were freshmen in college, so we "grew up" together, found who we wanted to be (separately and together) all hand in hand. Those years were instrumental in bonding us early on.

Back when it was just us two peas

When you have known and loved a person for 11 years, it is impossible to think you don't know everything about that person. I never thought I could love my husband more than I have these past 11 years. He is the best friend I have ever had. I know his every thought, what he eats for every single meal, and every story he's ever lived. We are a perfect team - he chose me and I chose him.

I loved him with every ounce of my being... until we had our first child.

Having a child changes everything. Your time is not your own anymore. You no longer work for yourself, plan days or trips around your infinite free time, and at times you can't even eat what you want, when you want it. But most of all, the feelings you thought you had for your spouse COMPLETELY change.

Mark holding his son for the first time

The first time my husband picked up his son in the hospital and looked at his sweet face then kiss his tiny cheek, my love for him evolved again. I didn't think it was possible to love this man more than I had before, but it happened. It was like seeing him soften in front of my eyes. It was like watching him looking into his son's eyes welcoming him into our pod. It was like watching Mark take his place as the head of our family, leading the way for us three peas.

In the first couple weeks of Wyatt's life, he was hard to be around. I had a hard time enjoying motherhood. I didn't enjoy being around Wyatt when he was screaming for hours on end. I didn't feel bonded to my son. I cried when he cried - our version of "sleep when the baby sleeps." I yearned for my life pre-Wyatt some days. I felt like the worst person in the world. On these days, Mark walked in from work, took Wyatt and through the screaming he told Wyatt how much he loved him over and over and over. Through the screams, the tears, all of it, Mark told our son how much he loved him.

In that moment, I loved my husband more than I loved my child. I obviously love Wyatt, he is my son. Our greatest, most perfect gift. But I was discouraged in motherhood during those moments. But when Mark told our son that he loved him, I was encouraged that I had the perfect spouse. He is perfect for me. He is perfect to lead our family.

My boys having some precious cuddle time

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